Nick's FtM Resources

Main Page

2007-12-31T00:00:00.000+11:00

This Blog is a sister blog of The Transitional Blog, and contains a collection of helpful resources.

If you're new to the concept of transgenderism/transsexualism, please check out the Getting Started section. I've created it in hopes of helping FtMs who are just starting out on dealing with their gender dysphoria, especially teenagers and young adults; it addresses the steps involved in transitioning, and where/how to get started on your transition. It's also useful if you're a new FtM and are feeling overwhelmed by all the information out there.

Other than that, I've compiled a list of articles and reports that are useful or interesting in the Interesting Reading section, such as a basic guide to help you with "coming out" to your parents.

The Online Resources contains links to websites that I've found useful.

If you know of any articles or websites that should be listed here, please leave a comment in this post. Thanks!

Fun Stuff

2006-04-20T19:07:00.000+10:00

Here are a few web pages that provide a more lighthearted look at sexuality and sexual identity. I have a list of such websites that are out there, but won't post them up until I've checked them out myself. I will post at The Transitional Blog whenever I update this page though, so those of you who don't use RSS feeds won't miss out.

Venus Envy by Erin Lindsey
An entertaining comedy/drama about a young man Alex who is adjusting to his new life in a new town as Zoe. A colourful cast of characters (including Larson, a young hispanic FtM) surround her and ensure that something interesting happens every day.

As with most artists just starting out, the artwork is a little dodgy at the start, but gets much better by the mid-2005 strips. There are a lot of "fillers" (as well as artist's days off) between main storyline plots, which is alright when going through the archives, but can be annoying if you're waiting with baited breath for the next strip to be published. I especially liked that the strip addressed a lot of little issues about being transsexual, a crossdresser, homosexual and/or bisexual without being depressing. Word of warning - if you're particular about grammar and spelling like me, this might not be the strip for you. I quickly developed a twitch from all the stumbling in the dialogue.

My Life in Blue by Zan Gullo
My favourite online comic strip! In a time where most young artists are heavily influenced by the manga invasion into mainstream, Zan offers us a refreshing strip with exquisitely drawn characters. The trade-off is that Zan isn't exactly as prolific as a lot of other internet comic artists out there. IMO it's all worth it anyway, as quality is never sacrificed simply for the sake of getting another piece of the storyline out.

The main player in the original run is Alex, who finds himself surrounded by a host of unique and queer characters at his new school. Each character tends to draw one in, teasing and tantalising the reader before revealing "their story". I don't want to reveal anything about any of the characters, so I won't say anything more than that there is a resident FtM in the posse. Also, if you're as impressed as I am with Zan's work, check out his Science Fiction and Fantasy pieces at Elfwood. Even his doodles are great!

Online Resources

2006-01-05T21:35:00.000+11:00

I'll probably organise these into categories once the list gets a little more extensive.

Men's T Resources in Australia (MTRA)
Formerly known as FTMA, this site is an excellent collection of resources for the trans man. Currently undergoing a revamp, but should be fully up by 2007.

Hudson's FTM Resources
An excellent introduction and basic information on surgeries, testosterone, passing and packing.

Transster.com
An online repository for surgery photos.

The Harry Benjamin International Gender Dysphoria Association
A professional organization devoted to the understanding and treatment of gender identity disorders. Named after Harry Benjamin, M.D. (1885-1986) who was one of the first physicians to work with understanding gender dysphoric persons instead of simply trying to "cure" them of their convictions. Established and revises the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care.

A GLBTQ Education
A huge list of links on various aspects of transgenderism.

Getting Started

2005-12-21T18:19:00.000+11:00

I will list here the steps I took (or in some cases, should have taken) in starting my transition process, and the resources involved. Hopefully, this will be a guide to those of you who are just starting out on your journey.

1. Gender and Sexuality 101
I've put together a page that quickly and simply explains the difference between gender identity, sexual preference and other related terms. This may help in identifying or labelling your feelings, and is an important first step in dealing with your sexual identity.

2. Seek a counsellor
It is important that you speak to someone who has had experience with gender issues before doing anything else.

3. Find out what it takes
a) The Harry Benjamin Standards of Care
So you're sure you're transgendered and that you rightfully belong in a man's body. Check out the Harry Benjamin Standards of Care (currently up to the 6th version) that explains what you should expect of health care professionals with regards to your transgenderism.

b) Hormone Therapy and Surgery [coming soon]
Before deciding on transitioning and exactly how you'd like to alter your body, you need to find out what options there are out there and the risks and limitations involved with each and every one of them.

c) Real-Life Experiences [coming soon]
So you're all excited, you know what you want to do and can't wait to get started. Make sure you read through some successful (and not-so-successful) transmen's experiences with transition and their new lives.

4. See a psychiatrist
No, I'm not saying you're insane. You will need to see a psychiatrist as part of the "procedure" to starting transition.

5. Pick an endocrinologist [coming soon]
So you're ready to start on hormones? Well, you'll need someone to provide you with a prescription and make sure that you're not killing yourself with it.

Interesting Reading

2005-12-21T18:03:00.000+11:00

Here are some articles and reports that I've found interesting and helpful. I will introduce a rating/classification system when I've built this section up a little more.

Note: I've tried to give as much credit as is due to the authors, but I prefer to copy the text into the Blog (as opposed to using external links) due to the frequent shifting of articles on the web. If you are the author/owner of one of these articles and feel that an external link is preferable, please contact me at the following e-mail address: t-ssta at hot mail dot com.

Transsexuals and Their Parents (Part I) - Telling Your Parents
by Kay Metsker

Transsexuals and Their Parents (Part I) - Telling Your Parents
by Kay Metsker

Basic TG/TS/IS Information
by Lynn Conway

Transsexuals and Their Parents (Part II) - The Grieving Process

2005-12-21T17:54:00.000+11:00

Copyright 1989 - By Kay Metsker

My heart was heavy, for its trust had been Abused, its kindness answered with foul wrong; So, turning gloomily from my fellow-men One summer Sabbath day I strolled among the green mounds of the village burial place; Where, pondering how all human love and hate find one sad level; and how, soon or late, wronged and wrongdoer, each with meekened face and cold hands folded over a still heart, pass the green threshold of our common grave, whither all footsteps tend, whence none depart, awed for myself, and pitying my race, our common sorrow like a mighty wave, swept all my pride away, and trembling, I forgave!

     ~ John Greenleaf Whittier

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

     ~ The Commodore's Prayer

"Every man can handle grief but he that has it."

     ~ William Shakespeare "Much Ado About Nothing"

Grieving is the normal response to the pain and anguish of loss. It is the process of healing after a disruptive loss occurs in life. It is uncomfortable and painful; a state of disease. If it is not experienced, or if it is repressed, denied, and internalized, it can lead to serious emotional and/or physical disease. Knowing what to expect in the process of grieving for yourself and others helps you get through the process.

When parents are told by their child that he/she is gender dysphoric and is planning a change of sex, the parents usually experience shock, a sense of betrayal, and a sense of loss. They may be able to accept the change intellectually, but at the emotional level, there is a sense of having lost a son (or daughter).

The burden felt by the parents is doubly great because the loss of a child and its accompanying feeling of powerlessness go against the most basic of parental instincts, that of protecting the offspring. Faced with such a catastrophic idea, the stunned parents all too often believe they should have been able to avert the "tragedy." When the feeling of powerlessness sets in, parents find themselves in a situation of having to deal not only with their shock, but also with their perceived inability to have prevented it. One of the basic things taken away from the parents is the conviction of possessing the ability to control and to have some say about what is happening in the world. Feeling that ability gone, parents must turn elsewhere to believe once again in themselves and to re-develop their sense of self-esteem.

Parents may think frequently about their mistakes or the things they didn't do, and now wish they had. They must realize that whatever happened in the past, they did the best they could at the time. Dwelling on the causes of the gender dysphoria and negative parts of the relationship will only delay the recovery time. Continually going over situations cannot change them. Parents should forgive themselves -- if there is anything to forgive that is still unfinished. They should begin to think in positive terms of the good times in the relationship and give up the painful ones. Above all, they should stop punishing themselves?

Adjusting to and eventually accepting the reality of the change is a long, slow and painful healing process. Studies by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and others have shown that definite stages of this grief process are encountered and must be resolved by each individual before they can reach final understanding. The stages are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Guilt, Acceptance, and Renewal.

Denial

This is the first stage. A state of numbness and disbelief takes hold. Common thoughts are, "No, this can't be happening to me. I don't believe it. If I don't think about it, the problem will go away." After about six weeks, if a person is stoically fighting their grief and strong feelings, or is still feeling numb, they are denying their feelings and are headed for emotional trouble.

Anger

Anger may be expressed outwardly as rage, or turned inward and be experienced as depression. Reactions such as, "Why me? Why not our neighbors? How could you do this to us?", may be expressed. Blaming others is a way of avoiding the personal pain, sorrow and despair of coming to terms with the fact that life is not always fair. We all have different reasons for feeling what we feel. People's feelings are a legitimate part of them; they shouldn't be ashamed of these emotions. Hiding one's anger won't make it disappear. A person will get past it more quickly if it is brought out into the open. People should also realize, if they become targets of this anger, not to take it personally because the anger must be expressed and worked through.

Bargaining

Bargaining goes on to help buy time to accept the truth of the situation. "I'll come see you only if I see `Larry' instead of `Laura'. I'll have lunch with you if you wear slacks and no make-up. ", are ways to try to postpone the inevitable.

Depression

Depression can result in feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and powerlessness. Other feelings such as sadness, disappointment, and/or loneliness can occur. The person experiencing these emotions should ask for comfort and help when they want it. It is important to not resist one's feelings or to wallow in them. If a person is allowed to express their feelings, they will find final acceptance much easier. They will also be grateful to those who can sit with them during this stage of depression without constantly telling them that they should be more cheerful.

Guilt

Guilt comes from something a person did or said, something they wished they had not done; or from something that a person thought they should have said or done. Whenever someone finds themself saying should or ought, they are putting themself in a position to feel guilt.

Guilt may be created unreasonably. If a person says to themself or others, "He wouldn't have had this problem if I ...", guilt is created by their own self-talk. "If only" and "what if" are questions that can never be answered. The facts are not all available to know what else could have happened. They must rid themselves of the irrational "if only" thoughts. Those thoughts serve no purpose but to continue the guilt feelings which will slow down one's recovery. A person must accept the reality of what has happened. It cannot be changed, but people can change what they think about it and choose not to feel guilt. Feeling guilty over a prolonged time is a choice some may make.

Thoughts are thoughts; they cannot be felt. Feelings are feelings; they cannot be thought. Self-talk can create one's reality. A person can use self-talk to set up emotional barriers and feel completely helpless and emotionally impotent. Or one's horizons can be expanded to create positive change and growth.

Acceptance

Progress toward acceptance is made when the parents can think of their child without strong emotional feelings of longing and sadness for the way things were. The parents will not be stuck in the past, they will be living in the present, and making plans for the future. They will be able to live with the ambiguity of the never-to-be answered questions. This stage should not necessarily be mistaken for a happy stage, where total acceptance is achieved. It should be considered as the stage where the pain has gone and the struggle is over.

Renewal

The psychologist Carl Jung said that part of being human involves having problems because human beings have a consciousness, as opposed to lower animals that operate their lives on instincts. Problems force us to a more developed consciousness, a fuller awareness of events and feelings. As Jung says, "Everyone of us gladly turns away from his problems; if possible they must not be mentioned, or better still, their experience is denied. We wish to make our lives simple, certain, and smooth. And for that reason problems are taboo. The artful denial of a problem will not produce conviction; on the contrary, a wider and higher consciousness is called for to give us the certainty and clarity we need."

For each loss, each person feels a different set of reactions, and must work through their grieving processes at whatever pace and time is necessary. There are similarities among those who manage their grief successfully -- and similar blocking patterns for those who have trouble resolving their grief. Some never do completely resolve their grief and do not complete all the stages of the grieving process.

Parents must focus on their patterns of grieving, monitor their self-talk and emotions to help raise their consciousness and grow into stronger, more sensitive people.

It is important to remember that there is a balance in the universe. For every loss there is a gain. Surviving grief doesn't mean that parents will completely forget the past history of their transsexual child. That person is in their life forever, but his/her role in their life must, and will, change and evolve. The ideas expressed in this article will, hopefully, help to produce a better understanding for the parents who are learning to deal with the loss of an old relationship and the beginning of a new one.

Transsexuals and Their Parents (Part I) - Telling Your Parents

2005-12-21T17:51:00.000+11:00

Copyright 1989 by Kay Metsker

I have found that one of the major stumbling blocks toward self-acceptance for many transsexuals is their reluctance to share their problems with their parents. I have known people in their forties afraid to tell their parents. They argue that they are trying to protect their parents' feelings and to respect their parents' position. Yet this relationship with their parents is dishonest. They are really trying to protect themselves from their "Mommy's" or "Daddy's" disapproval. They are not secure enough or mature enough to risk disapproval by declaring their independence as adults. Because this adult relationship is unauthentic and superficial, the child remains a child, letting the parents' values determine his/her behavior.

The relationships that are the hardest to alter and be open and honest about are those charged with emotional content. They are those relationships in which we feel that we have the most to lose if we are honest about our feelings, values and attitudes. Consequently, you and your parents may continue to play old roles for years and never treat each other as adults.

To alter the relationship with your parents can seem extremely frightening and threatening, especially when you know that your parents disapprove of something that's part of you. One of the best ways to ease this confrontation is to be sure of what you really have to say or do to feel free and independent. Name calling and blaming sessions can be avoided if you know what you want to convey to your parents. Displays of anger and hostility accomplish little and can drive a wedge between you and your parents.

Think through clearly what you want your parents to understand. Then rehearse in your imagination a scene where you tell them. Notice, as you rehearse, any fears, feelings of frustration or anger, or other emotions that you are experiencing. Pay attention to your body also. Be aware of any areas of physical stress, like stomach-ache, cramps, headache, changes in breathing, tension along your spine, etc. Most likely you will re-experience old chronic areas of physical tension that you established long ago as a response to childhood fears of the adult authority figure that your parents represented.

As you rehearse and get in touch with emotional and physical tensions and fears, acknowledge them and then let go of them. This may take some effort on your part. Keep going over the same scene until you can do it without any feeling or reaction. It may take several tries, but don't give up. If you get stuck, talk it over with a therapist.

Only after you have completed this rehearsal and planning process should you approach your parents. Make an appointment to see them. Tell them you have something serious that you want to talk to them about, and ask when it's convenient for them to talk to you. If you can predict the amount of time it will take, tell them this too. If you set the topic of conversation and the length of time you are willing to be with them, then you are the one in control of the situation. Most important, you have defused the emotional bomb for yourself. After the first step, things get easier. So you will be able to direct the conversation and not be subject to getting hooked into old ways of being manipulated.

When you meet with your parents, start by giving them some idea of what you want to talk about. A few introductory words such as, "This is hard for me to say, but I want to do it because it's important to be honest with you," will give them notice that you intend to assert yourself and are serious about it.

Then be direct and factual with your message. The simplest way is the best. You might say something like, "Mom and Dad, I want to tell you that I have felt like a woman (or man) inside, both emotionally and mentally since early childhood. I am tired of hiding the fact from you. I intend to start living full-time as a woman (or man). If you disapprove of this fact, I hope that you will not disapprove of me. And if you do, then I regret losing your love for now, but I have to be true to myself." this may seem cruel, but it's probably more unkind not to face the issue and to leave your parents wondering about what is happening and yourself guilt-ridden.

Your parents will naturally follow the long-established patterns of dealing with you -- saying no, scolding, or threatening punishment. These first reactions could even extend to vowing to cut you out of their will, or threatening to withdraw their love in some way. However, if you are prepared for the worst, then these threats will not work. You are standing on your own feet. No matter what the cost, you will have made a major step toward being in control of your life and yourself. When they realize that they can no longer control your life, they will most often relent and accept you as you are. It may take them a little while to come to terms with the changes in your relationship. Give them all the time they need. Remember that you needed time to be able to gain the courage to confront the issue yourself. Offer them time to think about it. When they are ready and willing to discuss the issue further, be available to do so. You've made the first step toward redefining the relationship. It's now up to your parents to adjust their expectations.

Many parents go through a grieving process for the relationship that they are losing. This process will be explained in more detail in Part II. Your parents may find it very hard to accept the changes. They've been used to the old ways longer than you have. They may greet the news with silence - a form of denial - or may simply decline to talk about it any further. On the other hand, your folks may surprise you and be far more receptive and supportive than you expect. There are those rare parents who have built their parent/offspring relationships on unconditional love (we'll love you no matter what), rather than conditional love (we'll love you if you live up to our expectations).

You should also be aware of the possibility that your parents may not be in total control of their own lives or selves. Your parents may fear what the neighbors, relatives, friends, etc. will think of them because of your situation. Your parents may need to build their own self-esteem and take control of their own lives, just as you've had to do with yours.

Keep your options open. Few parents are willing to lose contact with their children, and in time they will come around to accepting the changes in you and the changes in your relationship with them. Remember, change is always difficult, particularly where emotions are involved. It requires giving up familiar ways of doing things. Even if the old ways didn't work and weren't honest, they were comfortable, like an old pair of slippers. You may have a twinge of sadness at throwing away these "old slippers". But the old ways must go, to make way for new ones. Sometimes, the scary part is that you may not know what the new ways of relating to your parents are yet, and since you know the old ways so well, it may feel safer and less risky to keep them.

But it's worthwhile and exciting to move on to new levels of maturity. The second hurdle is still high, but easier than the first. Once an open dialogue is started with parents, it is easy to keep it that way. The benefits can be enormous. You can begin to relate to each other as real human beings. You learn new things about each other and you may find a depth of love and feeling that you never knew was there.

4. See a Psychiatrist

2005-12-20T23:51:00.000+11:00

The role of the psychiatrist is basically to officially diagnose your transsexuality. The added bonus of this step is that it will help you determine if transition is really the thing for you, and if you are ready to endure what is a very difficult process that is irreversible in many ways.

It is stated in the Harry Benjamin's SoC that if one is over 18 and not had at least 3 months of documented real-life experience living in the opposite gender, then one should expect to have to undergo at least 3 months of psychotherapy before being eligible for hormone therapy. However, the HBSoC does acknowledge that each individual is different, and that the health care professional should treat each case individually to a certain extent.

The other criteria that must be fulfilled before being eligible for hormone therapy is that one must have demonstrable knowledge of what hormones medically can and cannot do, as well as their social benefits and risks. One of the reasons transsexuals are made to "jump through so many hoops" is the fact that there have been people who have undergone hormone therapy and/or Sex Reassignment Surgery (SRS) who have found that it hasn't provided a quick fix to their problems, and in some cases "ruined their lives", and so have turned around to sue the health care professionals involved.

In my case, I was fortunate to have Dr. John Parkinson as my psychiatrist. He operates out of Wollongong and Sydney, and was kind enough to return my phone call after hours for my first appointment. I found Dr. Parkinson to be very pleasant in appearance and demeanour, a gentleman through and through, and would highly recommend him. He managed to address key issues without coming across as intrusive or abrupt, and I found that I quickly felt relaxed in the environment he provided.

Note: You will need to have your GP write you a letter of referral to your psychiatrist, stating that you will be making the appointment for the purpose of discussing gender-related issues. Therefore, it may be a good idea at this point to find a trans-friendly GP if yours isn't capable of handling the situation, or if you're uncomfortable disclosing this information to your GP (e.g. if you have a family physician).

In my case, I kept my GP "in the loop" so that he would be fully aware of my situation and thus be able to advise me appropriately as my main health care provider.

2. Seek a Counsellor

2005-12-20T23:50:00.000+11:00

The first step I took to starting the transition process was to

schedule an appointment with a counsellor.

Living in Sydney, I was lucky to have The Gender Centre not too far away, and they have a counsellor in Mon - Wed.

Find someone geographically close to you, who has experience dealing with gender dysphoria, transsexual/transgendered persons, or gay and lesbian issues at the very least. Most counsellors should be more than happy to conduct sessions over the phone, which can be very useful if you can't find someone suitable near you, are very shy, or have trouble getting to the venue. I would encourage you to have at least the first meeting in person though.

Also, many FtMs see counselling simply as a hoop they have to jump through before being able to start on T. I know it sounds cliche, but talking through your feelings with a neutral person can help you sort your own thoughts out, and help you determine for sure what is best for you. For this reason, it is important to find a counsellor that you get along with well.

I personally chose to continue seeing Gaye (the current counsellor at the Gender Centre) even after starting the transition process, not just for a sounding board, but more importantly to get some perspective, comfort and advice.

1. Gender and Sexuality 101

2005-12-20T23:49:00.000+11:00

Sex and Gender

Yes, there is a difference. Sex is basically the polarity of anatomy, that is, whether you have traditionally female anatomy (e.g. vagina) or male anatomy (e.g. penis). Most people think that there are just two sexes: male and female. However, such is not the case. People who are intersexed (born possessing some combination of both male and female anatomy) or transsexual (see below) constitute sexes which are neither exactly male nor exactly female.

On the other hand, gender is basically the polarity of appearance and behaviour, and is exhibited by countless signals, from articles of clothing to cosmetics, hairstyles, conversational styles, body language and much more. As with "sex", gender is not a simple case of "either/or." Though our culture tends to group characteristics into "masculine" and "feminine," there is some crossover between the two categories. Examples of this are men with long hair and women with close-cropped hair, or soft-spoken, nurturing men and aggressive, competitive women. Ultimately, gender is a "mix and match" mode of self-expression.

Sexual Orientation vs. Gender Identity vs. Sexual Identity

Sexual Orientation refers to which sex you find romantically/erotically attractive. This is generally categorised into 3 types: hetero (opposite), homo (same), or bi (both).

Gender Identity refers to how you see yourself socially. This is also generally categorised into 3 types: man (one may have a vagina but prefer to relate socially as a man), woman (one may have a vagina but prefer to relate as a man), or some combination of both. In this last category, one may prefer to be fluid (relating sometimes as a man and sometimes as a woman), or androgynous (not identify as either male or female).

Sexual Identity is how you see yourself physically: male, female, or in between. If someone is born female, but wishes to see their body as male in all respects, their sexual identity is male. It is generally rude to speak of such a person as female, since it denies their right to inhabit the social and physical role of their choosing.

Now that we understand the difference between the 5 characteristics, we should acknowledge 2 important facts that run across the board:

All these characteristics are not experienced or exhibited in one of a set number of ways. That is, they vary along a continuous spectrum of self-expression.

All of these characteristics are mutually exclusive of each other and may exist in any combination in an individual. For example, a person could be born anatomically female but with male gender and sexual identities. However, this person could also have a sexual preference towards men.

Transgendered, Transsexual, Transvestite. What's the difference?

Transgender: An umbrella term used to describe anyone whose gender identity or expression situates them differently than the traditional gender role they were assigned at birth. This term would be applicable to all of the terms listed below.

Transsexual: Someone who has or wishes to take all the steps necessary to be accepted as completely as possible in their chosen gender. This may not necessarily entail all hormone therapy, top and bottom surgery.

Transvestite: Someone who on occasion wears what is currently considered the clothes of the other sex to relieve gender discomfort. Cross-dressers want to appear as "convincing as possible as their other selves," and this can be done for both sexual and non-sexual reasons. Another term used is cross-dresser.

Androgyne: Person appearing and identifying as neither man nor woman, presenting a gender either mixed or neutral.

Gender Bender: Anyone crossing the gender line who does not care about appearing "convincing". An example is a man wearing a dress, who looks like a man wearing a dress, and doesn't care if he does look like a man wearing a dress.